Good God, Mother of Guilt

Today I am thinking about Guilt. Almighty as God. Dangerous and smothering as thick pneumonic phlegm. The symptoms, disfigured delusions of omnipotence and self-righteousness. Both of which manifest as the belief that I am in some way responsible for any and everything that causes me or others distress. That I will then be afflicted by the horrible birth of said distress, for the rest of my life. In many people, especially women, the condition is terminal. So acute, they feel guilty for even thinking about things they think cause others pain and suffering.

I believe this scourge is directly related to the lie many of us were told about our supposed Mother, Eve. How her defiance, her selfish desire for knowledge and personal power are the cause of all of humanities suffering. How dare she ruin the paradise of God [those seeking power over her], by refusing to remain ignorant!

I have spent the last four years trying to unravel the snarly knots of my supposed transgressions. Indeed there are some mistakes for which I have deep and painful regret. Choices I wish I could make again. But when I started this journey I was ill with guilt. Diseased with the need to be punished. Tormented by a feeling that I was personally responsible for everything that had ever gone wrong.

Interestingly, in almost every case, these ‘missing the mark’ events came about because of my lack of personal power, freedom, knowledge and creative insight. Had I eaten from the tree of ‘what’s up with this good and evil stuff,’ my journey and choices would have been different. This is not to say that I will never make another mistake. That I will not unwittingly hurt myself or another. I am human; still learning and exploring. However it will not be because I’m trying to qualify for admittance into Heaven; that I allow this, refuse that. Stifle every intuitive impulse that strikes my heart. Strangle on all reasonable thinking, and follow rivers that rage with penitence.

Dreaming Demons, God, and Lovers

I follow him to his bedroom; wonder what the hell I’m doing there?

Pressing my body into the wall, he grinds his hips into mine, kisses me so deep I melt. Desire floods my underwear. Turning my body, facing the wall, he unbuttons my jeans, slides his rough hand over my belly button, sticks the tip of his finger inside me. I feel him pulsing against my back. Helpless, I’m submissive as a rag doll.

Holding my body up with the cup of his hand he wraps his fingers around my throat, squeezing. I can barely breathe. Suddenly I’m scared! Is he going to kill me? Kissing my neck, breathing hot steam, he bites hard. Panicked I try to break free!  He swallows me with a kiss.

Scared. Hungry to feel him inside me, I tear open the buttons on his jeans. Pulling my shirt over my head, unhooking my bra, he bites and kisses my nipples. Licking my belly he slides off my jeans, thirsty, laps up salty water. Just before I come he pulls away, peels off his shirt, takes off his jeans. My body shakes violently. God he is so beautiful.

Like a warrior who’s pinned his enemy, he kneels over me.  Lifting my hips, I open my thighs. Holding his penis in his hand, like an artist painting himself into me, he signs his name between my legs, kisses me so deep I gag. Licks my face with his lion tongue. I feel him stiff and sticky between my legs. Our pubic hair weaving a wild-eyed web as he makes small circles with his hips.

I wrap both legs around his waist and he slowly pushes himself into me. Like wolves after a long hunt, a good meal, we barely move. Lick each other clean. Then he strikes! Thrusts himself further into me and I cry out: Oh God!

YEEES, he roars! Shoving himself deeper he lets out a sinister moan, growls into my ear; You will always belong to me.

The phone rings.  Yanks me out of the dream. Relief rushes over me as reality returns. My body jello, as I stumble out of bed, warm fluid runs down the inside of my thighs.

Just before the answering machine picks up I grab the phone, Hello?

I dreamed about you last night, he croons.

The Devil, Divorce, and Abortion

Divorce: Disunion; total separation.

Conception: Origination; beginning.

I think I can call myself a feminist in that I believe that women should be equal partners in how humanity continues to create their lives upon the planet. I’m not going to go into all the ways in which I believe that is important as I think most of the surface issues are stated clearly in the societal divorce papers.

I have and do experience the underlying discrimination that has led, continues to lead, to what we are now experiencing as a cultural disaster. What I mean by this is the subtle and not so subtle message that I, as woman, am not as valid, worthy, intelligent, as man is. I live with the severe consequences of bucking this deeply engrained system and therefore believe I clearly understand its importance.

It is when I start to think about absolute equality that I also begin to consider equal responsibility. This is tricky as we are coming out of a history where women were treated very much like children in that they had very few if any rights to the property of themselves.

Our culture of divorce began thousands of years ago when God was personified as a Man. And not just a man, but a man alone, in need of no one, least of all woman. Except to help Him create a bunch of people He could then Command and Punish. That is when the truth was lost. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say destroyed. And this is what I am concerned about now. Is humanity creating yet another version of the same lie, only this time with Woman on top?

Is it possible that women are actually morphing into the creatures of myth, created to stifle our gifts? Have we been tricked by the Devil, [unexpressed aspects of self],  into seeking to become the same power we have been fighting against? Is this the evil that will ultimately destroy humanity?

Girls today are encouraged to be all  they can be. To go out and get what they want. To push any boy they believe is trying to stop them Down. By their mothers these daughters are encouraged to believe, although many times subtly, [secretly], that boys have nothing of value to say. That whatever they do or don’t think and feel is not as important as whatever the girl thinks, feels, says. Many times the only way these boys have a voice is when they deny whatever is really going on inside them, and agree. What we seem to be forgetting is that these boys are not the men of our history. My concern though is that they will end up being the men of our [Women’s] history. That when the future repeats itself, as it always does, we will find that our men are fighting the same battles that we are now fighting. That Woman has become the big bad She God of our future.

Interestingly the Nature of masculine and feminine, the energetic truth of the matter is that she is the more passive force. Not to be confused with powerless by any means. In that place of Being, she becomes the mighty Witness who then becomes the emotional Weaver of the World. She activates His desire to create.

I know more than one feminist who would call me out on this. Is that because she doesn’t want to take any more responsibility than he does for what this whole thing is really about? Is it; whether she is willing to admit it or not, about her wanting to create a world where she now has the ultimate authority to Command and Punish?

Think about this: Galaxy Sperm meets Galaxy Egg; both bringing a gazillion years of Creative Intelligence to the negotiating table of Earth. Until we Realize, take responsibility for the upload, download, Wisdom Within Conception, we will continue to recreate the abortion of our existence. Divorce ourselves from the other half of what we truly are.

I Hyde Behind Jekyll

English: Artwork by Charles Raymond Macauley f...

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I came across yet another Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde mantra this morning. Before I tell you what I am all stirred up about I will say that when I use mantra here I am thinking of the definition I most consider, which is;  A statement frequently repeated and considered capable of “creating transformation.” I personally think the only thing transforming here is the various ways  in which we tend to make this statement. So here goes:

You deserve to be with somebody who makes you happy. Somebody who doesn’t complicate your life. Somebody who won’t hurt you.

~ Denial

I love the clever way the author says You deserve. Oh how we love to hear that. Thank you wise guru for pulling ME up and away from the nastiness the Other is creating.

I must tell you who I am referring to when I say the Other. It is the part of ourselves that we deny. This part of us needs to get into relationships with people who act out our repressed thoughts and desires.  When things go wrong, and they will, because we are unconsciously attempting to bring ourselves to consciousness, we believe we have made a terrible mistake in choosing such an unworthy, or more worthy partner. What do I mean the repressed part of ourselves?  Basically it’s the part of us that doesn’t want to do whatever it is that we have been taught we are supposed to do. The part of us we most often think of as Bad.

The next line says we deserve somebody who doesn’t complicate our lives. Ha! If we look at this in the spirit of this conversation that is a serious problem being that it is the realtionship with ourselves that is the complication. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that it is the lack of relationship with ourselves that gets us into yet another mess.  I became infamous by letting down Good people. My unconscious Desire was to know myself as worthy which I certainly did not see then.  I was clearly aware that I was in constant struggle with my dark side. Believed I was rotten to the core. So I looked for redemption in Good. When I fell, the Good ones I had turned my salvation over to acted swiftly, in the name of God, to try and save my soul. When I didn’t repent, they abandoned me to Hell. It’s worth mentioning that I always confessed. I believed deeply [still do actually],  in the concept that the truth is always better than a lie. With the Good’s though, in most cases, my confessions ended up being extra ammunition they used to gun me down.

The last line says we deserve to be with somebody who won’t hurt us. And this brings me back to the beginning. In order to stop being wounded by our limited perceptions we must transform or ideas, our beliefs around what is going on and why.  We need to get right with the Devil in us all. Ask ourselves; Who says we deserve to be happy? Perhaps the most we can hope for is to dig deep enough to discover who and what we really are. Maybe then we will discover what IT is that Inspires Life Forward. Happy and Good have become opposite sides of the same coin. If you are not happy you must be doing something wrong. But, BEWARE! If you are to damn Good the Devil is having  his way with you. Has secretly convinced you that you are God.