I gag down a handful of chalky pills. Promise
my body no more pain. One more time
I say I swallow. My dreams disappear.
I keep calling for refills.
I promise my child no more pain
erases memories. I can’t stop.
I keep calling for refills.
My mind creates more pain
erases memories. I can’t stop
blaming others. My secret is killing me.
My mind creates more pain
my story ends without beginning.
I blame others. My secret is killing me.
I settle for less than I deserve.
My story ends without beginning.
Living is a problem, dying no concern.
I settle for less than I deserve
more than I deserve. The world owns me.
Living is the problem, dying no concern.
I wait to feel the feelings, Stop Feeling
I deserve more. The world owes me.
Don’t they know what I’ve been through?
I wait to feel the feelings, Stop My Mind
creates painful feelings.
My mind stops creating.
Dreams disappear. Less is more
than I deserve. Pain is feeling.
I gag down a handful of chalky pills.
Powerful. As I read your work I’m becoming more familiar with your pain and loss, but I wonder if you could, when the time is right, focus on what you want, what the goal is. The pain you feel is so vivid that my hope is that there is something in your future, something waiting near the horizon, to counter all of the negatives.
The goal, hmmm? Keep writing. See what continues to break through.
I have to say that I am not as tortured as some folks who read my work think I am. At one time I was. But, I didn’t know that then interestingly. It just was what it was. I was also using alot of meds and booze, to get me through. The work you are reading I have quite a bit of distance from actually. In fact, that is the only reason I can bring it to life for you. I am complimented that you are troubled. That means I am doing a good job as a writer.
Everyday I look forward to the page. I never know what’s going to come up. My job is simply to have the guts to write whatever it is. Push the angel that tries to tell me what is “good” and what is “bad” aside and write. To trust in that Voice.
How do you do it CC? What is your process?
Just revisiting to say two things: a) again, I really like this poem – wanted to reread, and b) thank you for following my page. Much appreciated. Look forward to reading more of your work.
And I yours. Thanks!