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I have seen this little statement pop up on my FB page many times:

 ”Life is too short to waste on grudges, laugh when you can, apologize when you should,  and let go of what you can’t change.”

You know what, I have a grudge against this saying. And par for the course I have guilt for having a grudge. My first thought was FB needs a dislike button. However, that would make disliking as unsatisfying as the stupid little like button. I would much rather work it out this way. So here goes:

The first thing I did was go to the dictionary because that’s the first thing I always do in a case like this. My question, What is the meaning of the word grudge? What I found, A feeling of ill will – resentment for a real or fancied wrong done. There were also several synonyms describing various disguises the bad boy grudge can assume, but for this post we’ll stick with grudge.

There are a couple reasons this sweet little lecture pisses me off,  we’ll start with, “Life is too short for grudges.” Isn’t that saying hurry up and get over it, whatever it is?  And if you need time to figure out why you are feeling what you’re feeling, or not feeling,  you are wasting your life. Maybe even someone else’s life.  And what if the person you are holding a grudge against does harbor ill will toward you?  Or they hurt you so much that you can’t even begin to understand enough to stop holding a grudge.  Your ground.

Maybe it’s just the word that bothers me, GRUDGE.  It feels so dirty,  grudge, sludge, don’t budge, bad. The truth for me though is that I have had, do have, some people I care for very much who have had to work through, or live with their grudges against me. And you know what, they needed to have those don’t budge boundaries cuz I did not understand what I was doing to them. Not because I didn’t care,  because I didn’t know. That said, had they not taken a hard line grudge stance,  I might still be ignorant to my pain inflicting behaviors.  I did however try to guilt them out of their process with accusing them of holding a grudge. I used their belief system of forgive your enemies as my weapon, which increased their front-line wall building skills.

The gift of these near and dear warriors is that living in and through the mighty GRUDGE, and in fact prospering emotionally as a result, has given me the courage to hold a grudge, a line that cannot be crossed, until I say it can. That courage and the protection it offers me, allows me to relax so I can let go of other things, instead of unconsciously using them  to work out a resentment I have somewhere else.  Someone once told me that a resentment was something that we re-feel. Something happens that recreates the original pain or anger and there it is. For me that is true. Today because I know a bit about resentments,  I don’t have to waste my time and creative life force energy on battles that have nothing to do with the work of my soul. Which I believe is, who do I resent, and why? Who resents me, and why?

The other line in this mini lecture that gets under my skin is: “Apologize when you should.” For me there is nothing worse than an apology that comes simply because the person giving it thinks they should. It happened to me recently.  We were in the middle of some very old unresolved resentment. Things got very hot and I pulled back, called in sane reinforcements to help me sort it all out. When I told the other party I was running it by my spiritual guide, [something I didn't used to do], before we could go any deeper, maybe even get more honest, they defaulted to “I’m sorry. All is forgiven.”  Wait! What? Forgiven for what? I don’t even know exactly what I have done. I do however know what you have done.

I find that once  people have this little apology weapon tucked securely in their armor they no longer look too closely at how or where they are wrong. What it would take to make a true amends for their behavior.  It seems that unless they are fighting a seasoned emotional warrior, [which they tend to avoid, lest they be discovered],  they won’t even see their wrongs.  If they do, they pull back quickly and raise the white flag of apology. If you dare say another word after this rightous act, you will be shot dead with; I said I was sorry.

And then, the resentment rises, again, [even when we try to pretend it doesn't]. We protect ourselves with a grudge every time someone or something triggers us to the original unresolved wound and we realize there is no understanding to be had.  I want to be clear here. I am not talking about trivial disagreements where a simple I’m sorry is enough. These are not the stuff grudges are made of, but rather an efficient way of  finding our way with and around the people outside the soul snaring circle of purposeful work.